We’re all a little fucked up, right? We’ve all had some kind of trauma or something messed up has happened in our lives that made us a little jaded, a little cynical. Or a little depressed.
I’m a lot depressed. I never used to be this way. I used to be one of those girls who was bright and bubbly every day. Now I find it hard just getting out of bed. It happened over time. A long time.
I have clinical depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, agoraphobia, germaphobic, insomnia and obsessive compulsive disorder. Mix that all up with a big old spoon and you have a jittery bag of meat and bones who sits around crying a lot and worries about how useless she is. I’m highly strung, heavily medicated, quick to anger and lack any kind of motivation.
People say to me, “You’ve had a pretty rough life, it’s understandable”, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. Just because you’ve had a shitty time, doesn’t mean you have to have a shitty life. At the moment, though, everything feels pretty shitty.
I’ve pushed away all of my friends without even trying. I guess I’ve distanced myself from my family too. Even my husband and daughter, who love me unconditionally, have lives that don’t really need me in them. They’ve adapted to me not being here, through necessity, right in front of my eyes.
Welcome to the shit show that is my life. But like I said before, I wasn’t always this way… I thought maybe writing it all down might help me work through it. Or it might just be a colossal waste of time. Who knows. All I know is I’ve got nothing but time…
© Melinda McKeon 20 August 2019